Being a military spouse

I'm a new military spouse. And I always heard the stories but didn't really believe them. I thought I could make it through anything. I'm a strong woman. I come from a group of strong women, but I've found it difficult and frustrating at times to keep it together.

We try to remain calm and collected for our husbands but it's very hard when inside we just want to scream. My husband is currently away for pre-deployment training. This is our first time really apart since we've met. It's been so difficult and it's hard to talk with people because you feel they don't understand completely what your going through. It's so easy for them to just throw out "It will get easier" "Your strong" "You knew what you got into when you married him". I know they're trying to just comfort me a little but it really makes it worse. It doesn't get easier as time goes on you just learn to adapt better. I know I'm a strong person but even the strong have their breaking points. I did know what I got into when I married him and I wouldn't change that for the world, but just because you "know" what you got into doesn't make it instantly easy to adapt to the new lifestyle.

For me at this point it doesn't get easier. I still I cry every night to sleep because I can't lay my head on my husbands chest. I cry when something comes on tv that reminds me of him. Reading peoples mushy facebooks and seeing pictures or just when the room fills with silence and it's just me and my thoughts running wild I break down. Normally my husband and I sit and talk for hours at night just talking about random things. When he's gone I really miss that. Yes I have friends and family I can call and talk to for hours but it's just not the same. I'm very lucky to have found my best friend in my husband and when he's gone I miss that.

Thing is it's not my friends and families faults. It's my own for not knowing how to deal with all of this yet. For not knowing how to look past it without getting hurt or upset. I don't expect their lives to stop. I just wish I had the support I need and desperately am seeking. The problem is they are all there supporting me asking what I need and thats the problem I'm not exactly sure.

I have found some people that are just too busy to worry about me I guess. That their lives are so important that they can't take the time to text or make a simple call to just check on me.  Everyone is quick to say they will be there to support you. They will be there at any time to talk and listen, but when it comes down to it they have their lives and you can't ask them to stop what they're doing and worry about just you. I'm an adult and have to figure out how to get through this. I wish I had more support for some but it is what it is and it's part of life. You learn to suck it up and move on.

We just PCS'd cross country away from my safety zone just a couple months ago. Away from both our friends and family. We know hardly anyone and haven't made any good friends yet. I've tried to make a couple but it's hard to force it. I want it to come naturally not me having to make friends because I don't want to be alone while my husband is deployed.  I miss being able to call my family and friends at normal times. Not 3 hours difference. I miss being able to just go for a drive if need be and see my closest friends and family. Or just going up and sitting and talking to my dad while my husband is at work. The little things make it difficult but the love I have for my husband and that my husband has for me makes it better. I guess thats why when he's gone I break down. I feel like I don't have the love and support standing right beside me helping me get through every day easier. I don't have my best friend saying it'll be ok.

I know this blog is a lot of random thoughts and feelings. I just needed to get it out. I know I'm not the only spouse that feels this way and hope that one day someone will find it comforting to know they're not alone in their feelings.